The hardest day of my life....my sweet precious Taylor

Today I woke up after I had a dream. I dreamt about Taylor. In my dream I was holding Taylor in Primary Children's Hospital and for some reason I had to put her back in her bed. I walked over by the window and looked out. When I looked back at Taylor a young child about 8 or 9 years old was holding Taylor...then she put her back in her bed. When she put her back she placed a pillow over her head and disappeared. I ran over to Taylor and took the pillow off of her. I noticed that her ventilator had come unhooked. I called to all the nurses around to come help. "Help, please come help" I kept calling to them and none of them would listen to me. Then I looked down at Taylor and she was just fine. She was breathing on her own and doing fine. Then I woke up.
After my dream I hurried and got ready and went up to the hospital. Today was the day of her kidney ultrasound. Also the all the doctors arranged a care conference with us. When I got to the hospital Taylor was in the same condition as yesterday. They did the ultrasound and I was just waiting to hear back on the results. They let me hold her and spend time with her. When I was holding her they had to turn her oxygen all the way up to 100%. This has never happened before. I know that Taylor was telling me something.
We called all the family to come down to the care conference. Once everyone got to the hospital they called us into the room across the hall. We all sat down. The neonatalogist started, he first told us that the bleeding in Taylor's brain had now progressed to a grade 4 (this is the worst that it can get). The result from the kidney ultrasound was that the kidneys had gotten smaller. "We feel like we have done everything that we can to help taylor." As i began to cry even harder now. Did I have enough confidence, strength and faith to let her go? My sweet little baby, my one true miracle. As the doctor's all left the room, Cammon and I knew what we had to do. We prayed for the strength, comfort and help.
At that moment I wanted to be by her side...and embrace those good memories of her for a lifetime. Heidi and my Dad went and got clothes to dress her in and fingernail polish. We painted her fingernails and toes, gave her two little rings.





Everyone that was there at the hospital got a chance to hold her, before they unhooked the ventilator.








We had a photographer come in and take some last photos of her.





The time was growing nearer and nearer. Taylor was getting cold. Cammon got to hold her (for the second time) and then I got to hold her. The nurses asked me if I was ready...I wanted to say no, but I knew she didn't have much longer. So they put her back in her bed. We had a family prayer, and the rest of the family went over to the room. I stayed and held little Taylor's hand as they took the ventilator out. Then they placed her up on my shoulder. Holding her with no tubes in. I carried her into the room where the rest of the family was waiting. I remember just rocking her back and forth telling her that everything was going to be okay. I didn't want to let her go. But I had to be strong for her. I kept feeling her taking small little breathes, wondering if it was her last. She stayed with us for a while. Cammon held her again. The doctors came into to check her...she was still with us. Then Cammon gave her to me again. What a blessing it was just to hold her, and for her not to be in any pain. I knew her time was going short. She was struggling to hold on with every last breath. It was so heartbreaking. Taylor passed away in my arms that night at 6:10 p.m.
What an amazing gift it was to have such a pure and perfect little girl, I know that she is now in a better place. and I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father trusted me with her...for me to be her mom. He sent his angel to me!
After she had passed we got to spend time with her and everyone got to hold her once more. After hours had passed by...we went and got something to eat, I thought I was doing OK but the pain hit me and I had to get away. Just the thought of never getting to see her again in this lifetime, I couldn't bear it. Cammon and I arranged to go back up to the hospital and hold her again.
It was so wonderful Cammon and I and our little girl. She layed in between us...we were finally a family. Dangit...I know that this is how it was meant to be. Our nurse made us hand and feet prints. She also made us hand molds.
I want to thank everyone for all the love and support and prayers. I know that they have helped us to get this far and that Heavenly Father just had a different plan for Taylor. I know that Taylor was very loved and I know she felt that.
Also thank you so much to all the doctors and nurses that tried so hard to fight for Taylor's life.
Funeral Services will be held @ 1:00 p.m. Friday March 21, 2008 at Larkin Mortuary, 260 E. South Temple Salt Lake City, Utah. Viewing will start at 12:30 p.m. prior to the service. Graveside service held immediately after service at the Salt Lake cemetery.